he got his stuff

my password to this blog is dante's girl. that's what i wanted to be for always. I love him so much. you can't die from a broken heart, but i want to. he got his stuff. every part of him i had is gone. how is this fair? all i did was love him with everything i have, to the bottom of my soul. now he's gone. not mine. i want his lips on my forehead, his fingertips on my back. i begged him...i begged. Please don't let this go, don't let us go. Please. He left. It hurts to breathe. I just want to sit on the floor forever. I should hate him and I only want to love him. All this time all he had for me was 20 minutes. How can he not want me?

size acceptance

tommorow night i am going to the fat girl party. It's a fabulous event once a month - a south beach style setting- devoted to curvy girls and the boys that love them. i don't usually participate in these kinds of events. don't get me wrong im fat. but i am so many other things as well: pretty, sweet, kind ... you get the picture. i try not to let the size of my ass define who I am. fat is just an adjective. i go because the incredible woman who runs it, is doing great things for the size acceptance movement. you'd think my chances of getting hit on here would be great. not so much, not even a nibble last month. i still had a blast, im still going tommorow. it may be someone's lucky night - i am on the rebound.

if you had to define yourself by one adjective, what would it be?

mine is kind.. any day. i love that i am a kind person.

the broken heart diet...

i dont think this is good:

i can't make myself eat. It gets stuck in my throat. the pieces of my heart must be floating around.

3 glasses of pepsi, 8 cough drops and 2 gummy vitamins. not a very good idea, but hey at least i took my vitamins.

family... get yours today.

the girls, rebecca and jenn, spent saturday with me. It was always my night with D, so I was having a time of it.

life is short. have fun!

i have the best family. i have made mistakes and broken my sisters heart... and now I know what that feels like i appreciate her more.

the girls and i had a great time and very limited tears. i love them.

they are just the best.

dont break up by text

if given the choice of two people what would you choose? person a is nice, and new adn you like her. person b has loved you from the bottom of their soul without any constraints for almost a year. you say you love them.

then person b gets a text message: im not coming over tonight. im going to try to make things work with *****. i will always love you.

. i am the person b. it's been a few days and functioning still seems impossible and im a red blotchy mess. i want to lay really still on the cold hard floor and will my heart to function. i dont want to labor to breath.

today is a new day. i am up and about. im still not convinced you can't die from a broken heart.

even if you hate the person, don't break up via text message. it makes someone not feel so good.

politics & gender

Have i lost my mind? Following is correspondence with a myspace friend - Am I that out of touch with reality? This was my reply. Start at the bottom and read your way up.

*his name has been changed to protect identity.
** only his name has been changed, everything else is as written.

I am now outraged! Although the presidency tends to be a figurehead position, they have some power. Who do you think would initiate a heathcare reform bill that would become law? They can make change. What good do you think Hillary is going to do just becuase she is a woman? Please explain this to me. Throughout our entire discussion I have remained very civil to you while you have been very condesending. I do get it and I know how to spell apparently. I don't appreciate you saying I don't. Even though we have issues in this country, it's still an amazing place to live. I do not hate Hillary, I just don't believe a having a vagina is deserving of the presidency.
I would love for you to tell an unempoyed man, that the unemployment rate does not matter. Im not saying we live in a perfect utopian society. We don't but every time the economy is better that is one less child that is hungry. We owe to ourselves to vote for the candidate most likely to do the job. If you feel that is Hillary, than vote Hillary. Vote the issues, not her gender. I can read a history book, i know that since inception this country had been plagued with problems - I also know we overcome them, that is called Progress. That is how we have both a woman and a black man as contenders in this president election. I would love to know how I am proof this is a racist society. I am open to the best candidate - and truly do not see gender or race as an issue.

His words may have been used before, but his beliefs are a refreshing change. I would not be upset if Hillary is elected, she may be a great candidate. If she elected, I would she is elected on her platform, her issues - Not on her gender.
_________________________________________________
Lisa,

appearantly you do not get it. it does not matter what is happening in this world. it does not matter how many people have or do not have health care. it does not matter how many people are unemplyed. what you are not realizing is that this have always been like this. what this country needs has nothing to do with who is president. change will only take place when people realize that they do not need a man or woman to be president, they do not need government to tell them what they can and can not due. he will never be president in this or any future time. this society is to racist and you are proof of it. you vote for who ever you want, but if you do not vote for her she will still win because their are men like me out their who would love her to win. then with the help of woman around this country will help her succeed by giving her the help she needs. you want all americans to have health insurance then let's join forces with other americans and put a health care bill into law like in canada. think about this, his words are the same words others before him had used. he is just repeating the same negative message that will not work because big business




----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ♥Lisa♥
Date: Feb 17, 2008 1:46 AM


Although I love your pro woman message, I do not agree. I firmly believe that we live in a time where a woman can and will do anything. I also believe if and when a woman is elected president, it should be because she can and will be a strong leader. It would do all women a disservice is she was elected based soley on her gender. Our country is in a time of turmoil. 1 in 7 americans are uninsured, we have no departure plan from war, we are in a recession. We must fight to reclaim the standard of life that is ours. It is a time for change in Washington. We should stand behind the candidate that we can believe can establish and prioritize our ideals.

Regardless of who we support as a candidate, I love you activeness!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ************
Date: Feb 17, 2008 12:32 AM


Hello Lisa,

i do not like Hillary, but i do Love the fact that she his a woman. i am voting for her because like you she is a woman. so obama does not even enter my mind. this is the time for woman to rise up! if you choose otherwise, it would only be because you do not or can not comprhend the importance not just of this time in history but the struggles woman before you were born had to go through just to get to this point. i still will fight and vote for you lisa. remember it is always a matter of choice. i choose for woman to rule.


Truly,

**********

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ♥Lisa♥
Date: Feb 16, 2008 11:10 PM


if you like hillary, you will love obama. watch some footage.

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: *****
Date: Feb 16, 2008 8:55 PM


Hello,


This is a moment in time when we get to be part of history. For the first time ever, a woman will be President of the United States of America. I think that all woman should vote for Hillary Clinton even if you do not like her, Because woman for years have been held down and held back through out history and now this is your time. Unite and support your right to vote, but more important unite and support your right to rule. I think she will make a great president, because we will give her the tools and the support she will need. Many men will balked at the thought of a woman ruling over them, but I know that a real man will not mind letting any woman rule and for sure they, like me, will vote for Hillary Clinton. So come on guy’s let’s help the girls just have fun and vote, not just for Hillary Clinton, but for all the woman of the world. I have and will always appreciate all a woman is and all a woman can be. I also admire, love and cherish womanhood and will always allow them to choose their destiny. I have already made my choice and I have chosen to let any woman of this world Rule. So let’s get the message out! Email your friends and coworkers and together finally we can have a woman rule.

My name is ***** and I approve this message.

“Go Girls Go”

Slumber Parties... they arent what the used to be.

it's important in life to know your crowd. i know mine. im a hit with the over sixty under sixteen crowd. they love me. i have more minors on my myspace (family or friends off) then i do adults.

maybe it's because i don't have kids. i always seem to want to be loving someone else's. my sister and her two kids moved out tonight. im struggling. its great they have their very own place, but those two .. i love them kids. d is excited about the move - he says he is tired of having have married with kids sex - you know hushed in quiet. and they are close less than two minutes away.

to celebrate im watching my cousins three and my sisters two. they are all still drunklenly moving my sisters stuff. we made a tent in the living room and had popcorn and ice cream for dinner. yummy! remember when that is all it took to make you happy?

d gets off work at 4am - then we will be having an adult sleepover!

being loveable

i try very hard to be kind, loveable and thoughful. i strive to be this way. i want to be the kind of friend that answers emails right away. the girl who brings soup when your sick. i used to be her. i am no t sure what happened.

it's the 13th and i haven't bought the first valentine. when did i become such a proscrastinator?


i need some motivation. i have much to do:
laundry
clean my room
something nice for my mom and sister. they are both sick.
put in some OT so I can afford to get my car fixed.
exercise.
lisa... get off your ass.
i havent touched my book in two days.

on a lighter note: d has to work on valentines day. this sucks for me. he works nights as he is in the amusement park industry. when i get motivated, i am going to prepare us a fabulous picnic and meet him at work. tenative menu: fried chicken. corn salad. paula deens stuffed potato's, handmade choclate covered strawberries and petit fours.

today is the day i get motivated. i swear really. or i can put on a pair of sweats and order a pizza.

the story of d....

i am in love.

i mean - i have taken my heart out of my chest and given in to him - kind of love. the thought of not hearing his voice can reduce me to tears in seconds. i would give my last breath for him. there is no better place in this world than being his arms. stupid, hallmark kind of love.

and he loves me. he says he loves me.

we have been dating seven months. it's monogomous on one side (bet you can't guess which one). my friend says a guy knows in two weeks if he wants something serious with you. ive been desperatley hanging on this past 6 months. should i let him go? yes. can i let him go? only if you pry him from my clutching hands on my death bed.

there are reasons why i should let it go. his mother (who has never met me) can't stand the thought of us together. I am everything she hates: older, fat, white. I am six years older than him.

but i still love him.

sometimes it feels like i am d's back up plan. not to say he isn't dedicated to us: he is. he spends as much time as his schedule allows with me. the sex is absolutley amazing. he makes me feel things i have never known. he brings flowers. we see shows. we are planning our first vacation. he still dates other women. he says he is just not sure. i can understand that. but how long does it take to be sure? i am not talking about getting married, i just want an exclusive relationship.

it's hopeless, im hopeless. this is the most terrible, wonderful feeling i have ever felt.

to tell or not to tell ...

i started this blog last night ... after one and a half bottles of pink truck. notice to winemakers: it's amazing what a cute little girly truck on your wine label will do for sales. as i worked my way through the second bottle, i deleted every really personal blog off my myspace page.

so today, i really want to die. my head. it hurts. why do i do this? im concerned about the amount of drinking alone. does wine really count? this blog is about taking control. myspace has become a bad place for me. i check his page before mine. have i moved? did he read the deeply painful personal blog i wrote about him? then its a quick jump to my sent messages - you know so i can stalk to see if he read one of the seven heartfelt emails i sent today. he did. he always reads them, never writes back, never says anything about them when we talk.

so now, i ask myself, do i allow my real life friends to know about this blog? if i do will it hamper my ability to be completely honest with myself? for now, I am going to tell a select few.

Paula Deen is trying to kill me

had these tonight... and she's really is trying to kill me.

Cream Cheese Stuffed New Potatoes
Recipes courtesy Paula Deen, 2007
Show:
Paula's Home Cooking
Episode:
Stuffed

Salt 24 bite-size new potatoes, scrubbed, with a tiny sliver cut off each potato so they will stand after filling 1 (5-ounce) package soft garlic herb cheese (recommended: Boursin) 4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) butter, softened 1/3 cup whipping cream Freshly ground black pepper Finely chopped fresh parsley leaves Red caviar, for garnish, optional
In a large pot with plenty of salted water, boil the potatoes until they are tender when a fork is inserted, about 10 to 12 minutes. Drain and let the potatoes cool until you can handle them.
With a melon baller, remove a scoop from each potato. Combine the cheese, butter, and cream. Taste, and add salt and pepper, as needed. Spoon or pipe the cheese mixture into the potatoes.
Garnish with a fine sprinkling of parsley. *Cook's Note: Add a tiny dollop of red caviar to carry out your egg theme, if you wish!
Stand potatoes on cut end on a platter to serve.

saw the episode over the weekend... couldn't resist trying them. delightful. run to the store. make these for valentine's dinner... he'll fall in love all over again.

im nosey, i love to write & i can't wait to know you.

howdy. i am new here. i was thinking today "who wants to hear what i have to say?, should i even bother with this?". then i read a post by nicole antionette, whom i love, and it just hit me. i look forward to her, her witt, her insight. so if i can bring that to someone else...

i am the big 30. divorced, no kids, in real love for the first time in my life. i know your thinking - didn't this chick love her husband? not so much. i mean i thought i did. i was too young. he was too old. it was a decade of too much. the past few years have been about discovery. who i am besides a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt. who i really am... not what defines me. the cool thing i learned: i am fabulous! i hate capital letters, i love words, i make an incredible choclate chip cookie, i am a nerd, i have great hair. im kind, im clumsy and i would be my friend.

So... a brief introduction... looking forward to knowing you and sharing me.